Tough day...

I know the following post is deeply personal but I do explain why I put it out for close family and friends to read.

Today is a tough day. I don't know how to really feel about it. I have been dreading it for around 7 months now since the day I sat in the Dr. office and looked at the screen to see our tiny 10 week old baby with no heartbeat. It was one of the toughest days I've ever had to experience. It was made tougher by the fact that Ben couldn't be by my side due to unexpected change of plans for a work trip. After a really tough year I couldn't understand why this was a trial I had to bear without him by my side.

Gratefully the day before Ben called and asked his mother to come with me to the appointment so I wasn't actually alone. I can't imagine that day without her there to take care of Payton. I'm incredibly grateful to her and her support on that day. I know Ben and my parents and family who are all so far away really appreciated her being there also.

 As I had already experienced, Payton's smile can pull me through anything and I hope she didn't notice the pain I was going through as we waited for the scheduled D and C to take place. Thankfully Ben was home by the time. Today was our baby's expected due date. I think about it often. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. I think about how different my life would be. I think about how excited we would all be. How excited Payton would be. Every time I see her with a baby doll or hugging and kissing a baby I can't help but think about the little one we lost.

While days like today make me sad, overall I've come to peace with losing our little baby. I know that everything happens for a reason, both medically and spiritually. I think of others who have lost their little ones much later in the pregnancy or multiple pregnancies in a row and my heart goes out to them. It's something I think about as we talk about one day getting pregnant again. What if we lose another one? Can I go through that again? My super positive husband always tells me that thinking that way is not an option, but when the day comes,  I'm terrified to go to the Dr. and look at that screen.

Seeing your baby's heartbeat is one of the most powerful feelings I've ever experienced. With Payton Ben and I both cried with joy. With the second I was so surprised to find that those feelings were so much stronger. I already knew what loving your child meant . I knew what that little blip on the screen meant to me and to our family. I knew how much I loved it. I formed an immediate attachment the second I saw it. So it goes without saying that the heartache that comes when you come back two weeks later to see your baby with no heartbeat is devastating. It really is something no one truly understands until you are in it.

While some may find peace reading this knowing someone else has gone through the same thing they have and they are not alone in their saddness and fears. This post is really for me. Just to acknowledge this day and say, I never met you, I miss you and I love you.

It's also about being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a subject I have been focused on lately. There are some good TED talks I've sat crying though on this topic and in one of them the speaker talks about how women have this idea that they have to have it all in check and all together and make sure that no one knows any different. This is me saying I don't. I don't have it all together. I get sad. I cry. I miss someone who was only alive for 10 weeks. I was excited to have a new baby in our lives, as unplanned as it was.

I also have a little person on my shoulder trying to bring me shame saying, "well others have had miscarriages much later than you or more than you or not able to have children at all. You really shouldn't be sad over this and you especially shouldn't let others know."

To that little person I say, you are right and others go through tougher trials than this one, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sad and there is absolutely nothing wrong with other people knowing.  While I have moments of weakness, accepting these periods of sadness and imperfections doesn't make me overall weak and it doesn't make me negative. Through these moments of vulnerability, I can come back and it makes me stronger and it makes me more courageous and it helps me with my perspective to be positive. I can't focus on the positive if I'm too busy hiding what makes me sad. Instead I am accepting it and putting it out there so I have nothing to be ashamed about.

I know not all are like me and if you have gone through something similar I am not saying you should do the same. This is just what I need to do for me right now on this particular day and this particular topic. I need to be vulnerable. I have other areas of my life that require me to go inward more and focused on healing within me and my family unit, but this is one thing I need to let go of.