My Thinspiration!

While at the beach a week ago I had the immense pleasure of going to the Lincoln City Community Center with the lovely Rachel Hight. Every morning she dragged by big buttock to the yoga (and one Pilate' s) class. It was wonderful!!! I really loved it. There is a yoga studio just down the road from where I live and I'm trying to re work my budget to afford the monthly fee.

In the mean time I have been hitting the pavement trying to get ready for a 5k in May. Rachel also some how convinced me into that one. I don't know how she gets me to do these things! But I am grateful she does.

Which brings me to today's post...

Rachel amazes me. She has always been such an amazing person to know. Everyone who knows her knows she is happy and bubbly and such a sweet caring person. Her smile is contagious and she is always laughing and joking. She's just one of those people you love to be around. She has always been and will always be beautiful inside and out.

But what Rachel wont do is show off. So that is why I am doing that for her.

Losing weight and getting healthy is not easy. As I've personally experienced and I'm sure many of you agree with me, eating right and exercising seems to be a phase for me. I'm all committed, ready to take it all on and then a few weeks later I'm sitting on my butt.

I've personally never attempted any crazy diets, calorie reducing meal plans, cutting out gluten, dairy, sugar, snacks, meals, my left arm, standing on your head for 20 mins a day, and then standing on one leg and winking while eating celery.... (hey, I'm sure someone out there has tried it!) But I've always looked at those and thought, "wait you are willing to do what?!?" Most of the weight loss ideas out there seem waaay more intense, and horrible than dare I say it... eating healthy and exercising!!!! (gasp!) Yet there is something so incredibly difficult about doing it!

I'm sure it has to do with the fact that it's not a quick fix. I don't see the results for months. So I'm incredibly thankful I have an example right in front of me to show me just what that looks like.

Through this past year with strength training Pilate's classes, eating right and now adding cardio Rachel as become a skinnier version of her already fantastic self and I want to give her a giant pat on the back and celebration dance!

 about one year ago
 at her bridal shower                                             Recent picture showing
 looking beautiful!                                                 off her hard work!

The crazy thing is that every time I see her she has shrunk again and I didn't think it was possible. She just continues to amaze me with her dedication and perseverance to be the fittest she has ever been. Yay Rachel!!!

 I'm excited to hop on the get fit bandwagon! Thanks for being such a great example.

Tough day...

I know the following post is deeply personal but I do explain why I put it out for close family and friends to read.

Today is a tough day. I don't know how to really feel about it. I have been dreading it for around 7 months now since the day I sat in the Dr. office and looked at the screen to see our tiny 10 week old baby with no heartbeat. It was one of the toughest days I've ever had to experience. It was made tougher by the fact that Ben couldn't be by my side due to unexpected change of plans for a work trip. After a really tough year I couldn't understand why this was a trial I had to bear without him by my side.

Gratefully the day before Ben called and asked his mother to come with me to the appointment so I wasn't actually alone. I can't imagine that day without her there to take care of Payton. I'm incredibly grateful to her and her support on that day. I know Ben and my parents and family who are all so far away really appreciated her being there also.

 As I had already experienced, Payton's smile can pull me through anything and I hope she didn't notice the pain I was going through as we waited for the scheduled D and C to take place. Thankfully Ben was home by the time. Today was our baby's expected due date. I think about it often. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. I think about how different my life would be. I think about how excited we would all be. How excited Payton would be. Every time I see her with a baby doll or hugging and kissing a baby I can't help but think about the little one we lost.

While days like today make me sad, overall I've come to peace with losing our little baby. I know that everything happens for a reason, both medically and spiritually. I think of others who have lost their little ones much later in the pregnancy or multiple pregnancies in a row and my heart goes out to them. It's something I think about as we talk about one day getting pregnant again. What if we lose another one? Can I go through that again? My super positive husband always tells me that thinking that way is not an option, but when the day comes,  I'm terrified to go to the Dr. and look at that screen.

Seeing your baby's heartbeat is one of the most powerful feelings I've ever experienced. With Payton Ben and I both cried with joy. With the second I was so surprised to find that those feelings were so much stronger. I already knew what loving your child meant . I knew what that little blip on the screen meant to me and to our family. I knew how much I loved it. I formed an immediate attachment the second I saw it. So it goes without saying that the heartache that comes when you come back two weeks later to see your baby with no heartbeat is devastating. It really is something no one truly understands until you are in it.

While some may find peace reading this knowing someone else has gone through the same thing they have and they are not alone in their saddness and fears. This post is really for me. Just to acknowledge this day and say, I never met you, I miss you and I love you.

It's also about being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a subject I have been focused on lately. There are some good TED talks I've sat crying though on this topic and in one of them the speaker talks about how women have this idea that they have to have it all in check and all together and make sure that no one knows any different. This is me saying I don't. I don't have it all together. I get sad. I cry. I miss someone who was only alive for 10 weeks. I was excited to have a new baby in our lives, as unplanned as it was.

I also have a little person on my shoulder trying to bring me shame saying, "well others have had miscarriages much later than you or more than you or not able to have children at all. You really shouldn't be sad over this and you especially shouldn't let others know."

To that little person I say, you are right and others go through tougher trials than this one, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sad and there is absolutely nothing wrong with other people knowing.  While I have moments of weakness, accepting these periods of sadness and imperfections doesn't make me overall weak and it doesn't make me negative. Through these moments of vulnerability, I can come back and it makes me stronger and it makes me more courageous and it helps me with my perspective to be positive. I can't focus on the positive if I'm too busy hiding what makes me sad. Instead I am accepting it and putting it out there so I have nothing to be ashamed about.

I know not all are like me and if you have gone through something similar I am not saying you should do the same. This is just what I need to do for me right now on this particular day and this particular topic. I need to be vulnerable. I have other areas of my life that require me to go inward more and focused on healing within me and my family unit, but this is one thing I need to let go of.

Birthday present

So I really really wish I had taken some before and afters, but all you get is afters...
I really wanted to get Payton a kitchen set for her birthday, but I wanted something that could be passed down and something that she would really remember. Much like I did with all the amazing stuff my mom made and painted for us. So I got to work on transforming a night stand and a small book shelf into a kitchen set.

Tada!!!

Everyone was really awesome and got her lots of play kitchen food and stuff. She has not stopped playing with it since her birthday. I'm so happy she likes it and really grateful for Ben who helped me a lot. I'm thinking about making another one to sell. We shall see...

Birthday party and the beach!

 This little amazing person turned 2!! I cannot believe it! Really truly I cannot believe it. Ben and I both look at each other often and ask each other how she got so big so fast. We both really love this little one so much and feel so blessed she is our daughter.

 Her birthday was on a Thursday this year so we decided to have her party on the following Saturday. But that doesn't mean that we don't do anything on her actual birthday!! We spent the day doing some of her favorite things including baking in the kitchen. Later after dinner she got to blow out her birthday cupcake.

Then we took her so get some frozen yogurt. She loved it!

As for the birthday party.... Warning, I LOVE to do this kind of stuff and while I am not in school or have a job, this went as far as I could take it. It was an under the sea theme to match her love of fish. The following pictures are a few from the party. I was all over the place once it started so I didn't get any of the party once it started, but hopefully my sister will share some of the ones she took.

I'm bummed I didn't get any of the cupcakes or the decorations. They were super cute.

After the party we spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa Aeby's. The next day Ben had to go to Vegas for the week for work, but us Aeby (and Hight) girls headed to the beach for the week. We stayed at a time share in Lincoln city and it was soooo much fun. I got to go to yoga or Pilate's every day with Rachel and it was incredibly relaxing.

One day we drove down to the Newport aquarium and Payton just loved it.

Huge crab!!

There were Jelly fish!

This is a replica of the jaw of a Megaladon shark, which was a huge prehistoric shark that was the size of a bus.

They had a cool shark tunnel. A leopard shark swam by right as I took the picture.  

They had fun tide pools to touch and explore.

And to end the day we went to check out the sea lions on the dock. Of course we had to stop by the candy shoppe and pick up a lollipop!

It rained a lot and was cloudy most days. Typical Oregon coast... but there was one day of sunshine so we made the best of it. Still windy on the beach though so we had to be bundled up. Payton loves the beach and the sand and the waves. She kept standing where the waves would reach her toes and screaming, "they're comin' to get 'cha!"

They had a heated outdoor pool. Payton still started shivering pretty fast so we didn't last too long.

They also had a tiny slide so we played at that.

 

Pretty much she is the coolest thing in the world and we love her an incredible amount. So grateful that she is in our lives and we know she is going to make the best big sister one day. (No this is not a baby announcement!) But lately as Ben and I have been talking and planning for the next one I can't help but get a little sentimental over the time I really get to watch her grow. As I do I get to see her gentle and sweet demeanor I just can't help but be so excited for her as an incredible member of our family throughout all the stages of her life. For now, we are enjoying this stage of just us three and savor the moments because as we now realize, they go so fast!

Easter

This Easter was so much fun! We tried so fun new ways to dye eggs using shaving cream.

Payton loved the Easter egg hunt too.

For weeks after she was asking to dye eggs.