Tough day...

I know the following post is deeply personal but I do explain why I put it out for close family and friends to read.

Today is a tough day. I don't know how to really feel about it. I have been dreading it for around 7 months now since the day I sat in the Dr. office and looked at the screen to see our tiny 10 week old baby with no heartbeat. It was one of the toughest days I've ever had to experience. It was made tougher by the fact that Ben couldn't be by my side due to unexpected change of plans for a work trip. After a really tough year I couldn't understand why this was a trial I had to bear without him by my side.

Gratefully the day before Ben called and asked his mother to come with me to the appointment so I wasn't actually alone. I can't imagine that day without her there to take care of Payton. I'm incredibly grateful to her and her support on that day. I know Ben and my parents and family who are all so far away really appreciated her being there also.

 As I had already experienced, Payton's smile can pull me through anything and I hope she didn't notice the pain I was going through as we waited for the scheduled D and C to take place. Thankfully Ben was home by the time. Today was our baby's expected due date. I think about it often. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. I think about how different my life would be. I think about how excited we would all be. How excited Payton would be. Every time I see her with a baby doll or hugging and kissing a baby I can't help but think about the little one we lost.

While days like today make me sad, overall I've come to peace with losing our little baby. I know that everything happens for a reason, both medically and spiritually. I think of others who have lost their little ones much later in the pregnancy or multiple pregnancies in a row and my heart goes out to them. It's something I think about as we talk about one day getting pregnant again. What if we lose another one? Can I go through that again? My super positive husband always tells me that thinking that way is not an option, but when the day comes,  I'm terrified to go to the Dr. and look at that screen.

Seeing your baby's heartbeat is one of the most powerful feelings I've ever experienced. With Payton Ben and I both cried with joy. With the second I was so surprised to find that those feelings were so much stronger. I already knew what loving your child meant . I knew what that little blip on the screen meant to me and to our family. I knew how much I loved it. I formed an immediate attachment the second I saw it. So it goes without saying that the heartache that comes when you come back two weeks later to see your baby with no heartbeat is devastating. It really is something no one truly understands until you are in it.

While some may find peace reading this knowing someone else has gone through the same thing they have and they are not alone in their saddness and fears. This post is really for me. Just to acknowledge this day and say, I never met you, I miss you and I love you.

It's also about being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a subject I have been focused on lately. There are some good TED talks I've sat crying though on this topic and in one of them the speaker talks about how women have this idea that they have to have it all in check and all together and make sure that no one knows any different. This is me saying I don't. I don't have it all together. I get sad. I cry. I miss someone who was only alive for 10 weeks. I was excited to have a new baby in our lives, as unplanned as it was.

I also have a little person on my shoulder trying to bring me shame saying, "well others have had miscarriages much later than you or more than you or not able to have children at all. You really shouldn't be sad over this and you especially shouldn't let others know."

To that little person I say, you are right and others go through tougher trials than this one, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be sad and there is absolutely nothing wrong with other people knowing.  While I have moments of weakness, accepting these periods of sadness and imperfections doesn't make me overall weak and it doesn't make me negative. Through these moments of vulnerability, I can come back and it makes me stronger and it makes me more courageous and it helps me with my perspective to be positive. I can't focus on the positive if I'm too busy hiding what makes me sad. Instead I am accepting it and putting it out there so I have nothing to be ashamed about.

I know not all are like me and if you have gone through something similar I am not saying you should do the same. This is just what I need to do for me right now on this particular day and this particular topic. I need to be vulnerable. I have other areas of my life that require me to go inward more and focused on healing within me and my family unit, but this is one thing I need to let go of.

Birthday present

So I really really wish I had taken some before and afters, but all you get is afters...
I really wanted to get Payton a kitchen set for her birthday, but I wanted something that could be passed down and something that she would really remember. Much like I did with all the amazing stuff my mom made and painted for us. So I got to work on transforming a night stand and a small book shelf into a kitchen set.

Tada!!!

Everyone was really awesome and got her lots of play kitchen food and stuff. She has not stopped playing with it since her birthday. I'm so happy she likes it and really grateful for Ben who helped me a lot. I'm thinking about making another one to sell. We shall see...

Birthday party and the beach!

 This little amazing person turned 2!! I cannot believe it! Really truly I cannot believe it. Ben and I both look at each other often and ask each other how she got so big so fast. We both really love this little one so much and feel so blessed she is our daughter.

 Her birthday was on a Thursday this year so we decided to have her party on the following Saturday. But that doesn't mean that we don't do anything on her actual birthday!! We spent the day doing some of her favorite things including baking in the kitchen. Later after dinner she got to blow out her birthday cupcake.

Then we took her so get some frozen yogurt. She loved it!

As for the birthday party.... Warning, I LOVE to do this kind of stuff and while I am not in school or have a job, this went as far as I could take it. It was an under the sea theme to match her love of fish. The following pictures are a few from the party. I was all over the place once it started so I didn't get any of the party once it started, but hopefully my sister will share some of the ones she took.

I'm bummed I didn't get any of the cupcakes or the decorations. They were super cute.

After the party we spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa Aeby's. The next day Ben had to go to Vegas for the week for work, but us Aeby (and Hight) girls headed to the beach for the week. We stayed at a time share in Lincoln city and it was soooo much fun. I got to go to yoga or Pilate's every day with Rachel and it was incredibly relaxing.

One day we drove down to the Newport aquarium and Payton just loved it.

Huge crab!!

There were Jelly fish!

This is a replica of the jaw of a Megaladon shark, which was a huge prehistoric shark that was the size of a bus.

They had a cool shark tunnel. A leopard shark swam by right as I took the picture.  

They had fun tide pools to touch and explore.

And to end the day we went to check out the sea lions on the dock. Of course we had to stop by the candy shoppe and pick up a lollipop!

It rained a lot and was cloudy most days. Typical Oregon coast... but there was one day of sunshine so we made the best of it. Still windy on the beach though so we had to be bundled up. Payton loves the beach and the sand and the waves. She kept standing where the waves would reach her toes and screaming, "they're comin' to get 'cha!"

They had a heated outdoor pool. Payton still started shivering pretty fast so we didn't last too long.

They also had a tiny slide so we played at that.

 

Pretty much she is the coolest thing in the world and we love her an incredible amount. So grateful that she is in our lives and we know she is going to make the best big sister one day. (No this is not a baby announcement!) But lately as Ben and I have been talking and planning for the next one I can't help but get a little sentimental over the time I really get to watch her grow. As I do I get to see her gentle and sweet demeanor I just can't help but be so excited for her as an incredible member of our family throughout all the stages of her life. For now, we are enjoying this stage of just us three and savor the moments because as we now realize, they go so fast!

Easter

This Easter was so much fun! We tried so fun new ways to dye eggs using shaving cream.

Payton loved the Easter egg hunt too.

For weeks after she was asking to dye eggs.

Phone post

Hello! Here's some pictures from my phone as a quicky update!

They are just random. The mustache is fake on Ben but he seemed to fill the role easily. The rest are just Pea being adorable :)

Love the Aebys

This years pumpkins and Halloween

Drum roll please!!

I decided it would be cool to keep doing pictures of my child every year as she (and eventually they) grow. Ben did an awesome ironman.
Payton was an adorable zebra along with her cousin Eliza. They had a lot of fun trick or treating! I think us first time parents were the most excited though. I mean Halloween hasn't been this exciting since we were about 8 years old.

New hair!

So I have been hating my hair lately. It's so fine anyways but since having Payton sooo much fell out! What I have left is sort of pathetic and whimpy. So I went in today to just give up and cut it short again. I also wanted to get a keratin treatment done which essentially smooths the hair out for 3 months at a time. But when I sat down with the hair stylist she helped me to understand that I can get my ideal hair I just need some help. So she gave me some shampoo and conditioner and product to apply to my scalp that will promote growth and thickening of the hair. So I didn't have to chop it off after all! While its not where I want it to be right now. Hopefully it will be in a few months. Overall I'm happy with it!